What a way to start my first true blog post: by admitting my major struggle with something seemingly so simple and easy… waking up.
It’s something we joke about in our culture. “How are ya this morning?” – “Man, I’m good! Really didn’t wanna get outta bed this morning :)” – *awkward laughter
But for me, it’s seriously difficult. And given that it’s the first action anyone completes in a day, it acts as the foundational habit for everything that follows. Everything else you do stacks on top of the act of getting up in the morning. That’s not meant to be a deeply philosophical statement. It’s quite simply the beginning of every day’s physical timeline.
Therefore, failure to wake up on time immediately sets the course of my day at a disadvantage. My eating and exercise schedules are altered and inconsistent, I work late to make up for lost hours, and the extra sleep I got wasn’t even good sleep. Everything feels “yuck,” and I’m never adequately prepared to be mentally and emotionally balanced. This leads to impulse decisions, ineffective work, lack of focus, and more. I end up being too busy dealing with the shame of my own compounding crap to proactively do something good for myself, which just causes more shame. And if I somehow muster the strength to “reset” myself, the motivation to do so is driven by that shame. It isn’t coming from a positive excitement toward good, but rather from a fear of all the bad that will continue if I don’t get it right. You might say “Well Zach, being motivated to do a good thing in order to avoid a bad outcome isn’t wrong.” I agree… but if that’s my primary motivation, without joyful excitement about the good up ahead… well that’s no way to live. Smart? Maybe at times. But also stressful, pressured, and ultimately void of hope. That standard is like living life, looking back over your shoulder all the time, afraid of what’s back there catching you, instead of looking forward to all the possibilities and hope, and using THAT as your motivation. It’s life management vs. life enrichment.
*apologies, back to the point.
All in all, oversleeping leaves me riddled with “yuck” and shame all day. After years of this, the idea that I’m lazy, irresponsible, and ultimately un-fixable has been reinforced internally. You might ask “Well if oversleeping produces all these negative consequences, why do you keep doing it?” Good question. I’m not entirely sure. If it were as simple as pinpointing the bad habit in the cycle and fixing it, well I would have done that ages ago. Shoot, I’ve tried desperately to do just that, as we will soon explore. But my cycle of failures leaves me to believe there are deeper, subconsciously-reinforced layers that contribute to this. But most of the time, I find myself staying so busy in life, attempting to distract myself from my shame (over this habit and others), that I don’t slow down to process these things. And in the spirit of using this blog as a means of processing life (see Blog Post 1: Pilot), I’m sitting down to do that now.
So let’s begin with one of my favorite questions in the world: “Why?”
For a while, I blamed it on my poor sleep. Four years ago, I graduated college and moved to a new city, beginning an entirely new life. As a result, my sleep suffered, which I assumed was natural for a while with major changes, until it never improved. I tried a multitude of things to fix it, but with no luck. To handle the embarrassment of oversleeping habits, I would tell myself and my bosses that I struggled with insomnia (without an official diagnosis by the way). Whether or not anyone, including myself, believed that is irrelevant. The explanation didn’t address any mental or emotional things related to the bad habit. Sure, bad sleep makes consistency difficult. But it doesn’t explain the situation holistically, especially not when I would oversleep by 2+ hours, ultimately spending over 9 hours at a time in bed.
So I pivoted and tried blaming my self discipline, ultimately deciding that my insufficient habits overall were making it easier to be lazy in the mornings. Like I mentioned above, I used shame to motivate myself. Talk about a slippery slope… this led to better exercise, dieting changes, and more. Great stuff, right? Sure, unless you’re going into the situation already carrying shame like a 50lb backpack on a sweaty middle schooler just after recess. The original desire for better sleep and habits led to compounding insecurity from every angle. I wasn’t strong enough, disciplined enough, flexible enough, physique-d enough… write in whatever you want. I was already conditioned to perceive the world around me through a motivational lens of insecurity, so anything new I tried just passed through that same filter. It wasn’t about chasing something good, it was about running from things that could reignite shame, without stopping to realize shame was at the wheel the whole time. Burn out got real, quickly. I kept oversleeping, kept reinforcing the “un-fixable laziness” belief, and nothing changed. And in all of it, I hadn’t yet addressed why I couldn’t seem to choose to wake up on time. I was operating under the defense-mechanism assumption that I overslept because I slept poorly. Therefore, my efforts to fix myself were aimed at better sleep, not my ability to make a proactive choice in the morning.
Hm… now that’s something new. Let’s dwell on that for a second.
You might have heard of similar metaphors before, so bear with me in this one. Imagine an accomplished archaeologist leading a major dig project to find ancient Egyptian artifacts. 100+ days and a 50-person crew using the most modern technology and brilliant minds to push forward in their field, only to discover 4 months in that they were in the wrong desert the entire time… hard work and discipline, while great things, didn’t move them any closer to their goals. It’s easy in this example to say “Well they were just looking in the wrong place. But everything they did shouldn’t be passed off as foolish.” True! But the fact still stands, they are no closer to their goal.
The tricky thing is that in life, it’s not so easy to spot where we might be digging in the wrong desert. We’re left beaten and broken after countless attempts to make improvements, without ever realizing we had the wrong map in the first place. Take my situation for example. I’d bet good money that most people read my previous statement and never paused to re-think it.
Read it again: “I overslept because I slept poorly.” Then from there, I worked to fix my sleeping problems. Not as obviously inconsistent as the metaphor above, but still very ineffective, as evidenced by repeated failure. Maybe we’ve got the wrong map… So let’s re-address the question of “Why?” with this in mind.
Maybe I couldn’t wake up on time because I didn’t believe I could wake up on time. Now that’s interesting. Maybe I couldn’t fix myself because I carried the belief that I needed to be fixed. Even more interesting. The pursuit of the solution could be the source of the problem? Hm…
Remember earlier when I said this: “My efforts to fix myself were aimed at better sleep, not my ability to make a proactive choice in the morning.”
Under our new theory, the end of that statement becomes paralyzed by the beginning. How could I have the ability to make an independent choice if I need to be fixed? Broken things don’t work, obviously. But I was treating the situation as follows: subject is broken – subject needs to be fixed – subject needs to be reminded that it’s broken – subject is insecure – subject now needs to fix itself – subject’s insecurity prevents progress – insecurity grows – subject is broken… well that’s odd. Now we’re left with someone that has serious insecurity about their abilities to do something they need to do in order to fix their problems, which prevents progress toward a solution, which causes more insecurity about their abilities to do something to fix their problems, which prevents progress… this is cynically cyclical (say that five times fast). And it feels familiar.
Remember also from earlier: “I end up being too busy dealing with the shame of my own compounding crap to proactively do something good for myself, which just causes more shame.” I’m starting to sense a pattern here. These self-fueling cycles seem to have something in common: self-image. Let’s revisit the new theory.
Maybe I couldn’t wake up on time because I didn’t believe I could wake up on time. Well, come to think of it, every failed effort I made was actually aimed at removing as much choice as possible from the situation. I’d attempt to manipulate pivotal moments by removing myself, trying to force my habits to fall into the better choice rather than the unhealthy one. I didn’t have any belief in my own ability to make healthy choices. I went so far as to buy a watch that would beep loudly every morning and literally shock my wrist painfully until I got up and completed 30 steps. I treated myself like a dog. Zero self confidence, and awful self image. Let’s ponder another metaphor.
Take a plant as an example. A very wise friend and mentor once told me to “Focus on the root, not the fruit.” Why? Because the fruit is simply the product, the end result, of the root. The fruit is visible. We can see it and experience it, but it isn’t the source. If the fruit of a plant is unhealthy, we don’t treat it by stapling new fruit where bad fruit grows. Rather, we look at the roots, and nurse them.
I’ve grown to believe that as human beings, our roots are our identities. James Clear, author of “Atomic Habits,” declares that no one can expect lasting habitual change in life without a change in their self image. He states that our habits flow from our underlying belief about ourselves, and that we must address our fundamental image of self before expecting any success at the surface level. His book describes how people who quit smoking find much more success when they reject offers to smoke with “No thanks, I’m not a smoker,” rather than “No thanks, I don’t smoke anymore.” The first response comes from a core belief about one’s identity as someone who does not smoke, which empowers them to make decisions accordingly. The latter statement simply addresses what the person does, not their belief about who they are. The first response addresses the root, while the second only addresses the fruit.
Now let’s clarify something: What we do on the surface is the fruit of what we believe we are, not simply what we are alone. It is the belief about ourselves that creates so much influence. It is the belief about yourself that shame’s filter damages so much. You can be an objectively intelligent person all day long, but if I convince you repeatedly that you are foolish, then your belief about what you are will dictate the way you live your life, ultimately leading to habits a fool would employ. If you can successfully convince Superman he can’t fly, or that he is weak, then you cause a chain of events inside his mind and heart that ultimately lead to no hero. What he is becomes completely subjective to what he believes he is. That is how shame beats us down. It’s clever, and sneaky. Simply the knowledge of this is powerful. Let’s apply this knowledge.
I struggle to wake up, and I oversleep. As a result, I experience a multitude of consequences, all of which internally reinforce the shameful idea of “I am lazy, I am not good enough, and I can’t be fixed.” This targets and impacts my identity. In response to this, I attempt various behavior modification techniques aimed to fix my habit of oversleeping. This does NOT target or impact my identity. After repeated failures, the shameful self image is reinforced, and the likelihood that my efforts succeed shrinks even further. Next time the cycle starts, I’m even more ashamed and even less likely to escape. My fruit continues to rot, and I just keep on stapling new fruit to the plant. Replacing bad habits with good ones keeps failing. And all the while, my roots rot.
Let’s pivot…
I struggle to wake up, and I oversleep. As a result, I experience a multitude of consequences, all of which internally reinforce the shameful idea of “I am lazy, I am not good enough, and I can’t be fixed.” This targets and impacts my identity. In response to this, I slow down, and hit the pause button. I step back long enough to take a deep breath.
*Inhale, hold, exhale. Take a moment.
I now know that what I do (fruit) flows from what I believe about myself (root). So I ask myself “Zach, what do you believe about yourself?” Upon discovering the rotting identity described above, I might say “Well, that isn’t very good, that’s really affecting me a LOT.” I also now know that my identity controls my lens on life, meaning there is probably a lot of truth out there that I cannot see through my current lens. If I can understand this, even if I can’t yet change my lens, then I’ve already begun my journey toward healing. For the first time, I believe that there are other ways to see myself. While my root isn’t yet healed, I can at least understand how it’s currently affecting me and begin searching for new truths, truths I previously wasn’t aware existed. For the first time, I’m aware that the shame lens is there, and I’m aware of the potential of it not being there… 🙂 now we’re cooking.
It’s here that I want to pause, and be intentional and careful about how maturely we discuss this. So bear with me for a moment.
Ever seen Kung Fu Panda? If you haven’t, SPOILER WARNING. You have been alerted. Let’s continue.
You remember at the end, after all the intense struggle, training, and hardship Po endures, when he finally obtains the Dragon Scroll? It’s supposed to grant the reader this sort of all-powerful knowledge and ability that no one else can possess. And what was in it? Nothing special, just a mirror to reflect the reader’s face. And in that moment, one of the greatest cinematic points of all time hits. The magical answer to help Po achieve his goals and overcome his adversary was nothing but a gentle reminder to look within. *Chefs kiss. Hats off, Dreamworks.
How much time do we spend stapling fruit to plants, hoping that rotten apples will magically heal? And how often do we continue this cycle, beaten and battered, without realizing our maps are wrong? I’m not suggesting that deep down, we carry some magical ability to be perfect. No, that would set us up for some wild shame when we inevitably cannot achieve that. Rather, I’m suggesting that our self-image does not have to be the fruit of our actions, but can instead be the other way around. Mistakes are inevitable, a part of life. But they don’t control what you are. Rather, they are evidence of what you believe you are. If you have some habits in your life that you want to change, habits you hate, but that you can’t seem to shake, remember that those habits do not determine your identity, your potential, or your worth. They are simply evidence of how you view your own identity, potential, and worth. Your fruit reflects the state of your root. Your habits reflect your belief about yourself.
The challenge is this: Slow down, breathe, and reach up to feel the glasses of shame on your eyes. You’ll feel their presence for the first time, and you’ll get a spark of hope in realizing that you can take them off. And hope begins to sprout when you start to see truths outside of shame.
Don’t limit your potential by listening to your shame. You are so much more. As a believer in Jesus Christ, my identity is rooted in Him. I know that I am loved, I am forgiven, and I am made new. And that reality serves as the cornerstone, the unchanging truth, that helps me heal when my self-image, my root, takes a beating. I slow down, breathe, remember that I’m wearing a bad lens, and look to my identity in Christ to help me heal my belief. You see, once I’ve got the glasses off, and I see a world full of potential, it’s going to be REALLY easy to put the glasses back on if I don’t have a different pair to put on… a better pair, that’s based on something unchangeable.
That being said, I know I’m not perfect, I can’t be. So if I’m going to find something other than shame to place my new belief in, then placing it in my ability to be perfect isn’t very secure. That’s exactly what shame wants you to believe, and it’ll be right there to catch you when you inevitably make a mistake. You have to find a new lens, a new truth, that will never change. Christ’s love for me will never change. So a lens based on that belief is actually lasting. When I wear that lens, my mistakes can’t change my identity, because my identity isn’t based on my track record anymore. I can return to Being a Morning Person, Being Someone that Exercises, Being a New Person, because my root isn’t affected by my fruit, but rather solidified by what I am. I’m loved. Period.
I’m four weeks into waking up on time, at a consistent time. What changed? I started believing that I’m fully capable of waking up on time, regardless of what I do or have done. Is it difficult not to return to my shame? Heck yeah it is. Shame doesn’t like losing, and it comes knocking again and again. So how do I keep going, knowing I’m imperfect to keep winning? This whole explanation of believing in yourself in order to succeed completely falls apart if it depends on you being perfectly capable of fending off the shame.
Well, it’s a good thing my root is in an unchanging truth outside of my imperfection. And when I pause and look within, I remember what I am. I am loved. And I know that I am loved. And that root opens up a world of potential for new fruit.
You are also loved. Let this be your Dragon Scroll.
Zach