My previous two blog posts (“Wake Up and Look Around… Literally” and “Are We There Yet? No, Thankfully”) both felt like the beginnings of larger essays, or books even. I guess when I get to writing, I can get a little carried away. So I’ll attempt to be more brief in this one. We’ll see how it goes 🙂
I titled this post in reference to the common phrase “Take the High Road,” which according to the Cambridge Dictionary, means “To behave in a moral way when other people are not behaving morally.” You’ll notice, however, that my title instead uses the term “Other,” not “Higher.” I’ll get to this in a moment. But noting this distinction helps kick things off today with a thought I’ve been wrestling with lately.
What does it mean to take the high road?
In classic “new blog” – fashion, I’ll spend most of my time in this post aiming to address this question. And yes, I recognize that we’ve already defined it above. But, I want to understand it better. I don’t simply want to know what the phrase means conversationally, but rather how it looks in everyday life and what it truly means to choose a more “moral” path than what we perceive is being chosen around us. Let’s start by breaking this idea apart.
“To behave in a moral way when other people are not behaving morally.”
The Cambridge Dictionary
The phrase “Take the High Road” suggests something specific, starting with the first word: take. We obviously don’t mean that one obtains, or steals, a street. Instead, the word “take“ here implies a choice or a decision. In other words, the one taking the high road makes a conscious decision to do so. This means that when a person finds themselves on “The High Road,” it is not by accident or luck. There was an intentional decision involved.
“Great job, Zach. You discovered the definition of a simple word in a common phrase… big whoop.” Hey listen, I agree. It IS a big whoop. Minor details in life often mean so much more when you slow down to ask why they’re there (crossing my fingers I used those words correctly). And in this case, pausing to remember that the phrase “Take the High Road” begins with a decision helps provide a good frame of reference. Let’s keep moving.
The next word in the phrase is “the.” Don’t worry, I’m not going to get deeply philosophical about it. It’s a solid article though. Moving on…
We’ve now arrived at the subject of the phrase: the “High Road.” Now we’re getting to the good stuff. The term “High” is interesting, because it’s not only an adjective by nature, it’s also a comparative word. The claim that this road is “High” suggests that it is “High” in contrast to something else, otherwise it would just “be.” From this, we understand that there must be a separate road that is “Low.” We’re not simply dealing with one road now. Let’s revisit our definition from Cambridge.
“To behave in a moral way when other people are not behaving morally.”
So according to this, the comparative term, “High,” is a metaphor for the contrast between moral and immoral, and the subject “Road” is a metaphor for the way or the path that is taken. We now have a better understanding of the contrast between the higher and lower roads. In all, what was originally a simple four-word phrase is now understood to be much more. “Take the High Road” could be reframed as “Choose the path of morality over the path of immorality.” And in taking it one step further, I’d add “Choose the less-traveled path of morality over the common path of immorality.”
This is where things get interesting for me. I just spent a few hundred words and numerous paragraphs describing something most of us understood from the beginning. Why did I do that? Well, it’s not because I believe anyone reading this needs an English lesson on what words and phrases mean. Rather, it was to remind us of the simplicity and complexity of the statement.
Simply put, “Take the High Road” means to make the morally superior choice amongst a set of alternatives. But on a deeper level, “Take the High Road” introduces the complexity of choice itself.
In his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” Stephen R. Covey references one of his favorite lessons, one which I have grown to love myself: “Between stimulus and response is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In those choices lie our growth and our happiness.”
“Between stimulus and response is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In those choices lie our growth and our happiness.”
Stephen R. Covey | The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
You see, as human beings, we are responsible for our responses to the circumstances of life. That statement isn’t meant to pile on the pressure to respond perfectly. Rather, it’s intended to empower you to realize your potential. Break apart the word “responsible” into “response-able.” You are able to respond. In other words, you are able to choose your responses. And in your ability to choose your responses lies opportunities, or roads toward growth. Your responsibility is a gift.
The original phrase “Take the High Road” itself is both a simple message about a moral choice, and also a complex discussion on choices themselves. It brings our response-ability to the surface and calls into question how we will choose our responses to life’s stimuli. In the words of the great Forrest Gump, “S**t Happens.” Annoyance happens, pain happens, work happens, heartbreak happens, injustice happens, relationships happen, joy happens, sadness happens… LIFE happens. And when it does, how are we choosing our responses? When the good, bad, or ugly happens, there is space between the happening and our responding in which we get to choose. One of the greatest, most freeing revelations we can have is to realize that no one and nothing can take our ability to choose our responses. To live life under the belief that your circumstances are entirely controlled by external people and things is to live life enslaved.
So, the grand message is to remember your power to choose the High Road, right? Well, not entirely. Sure, realizing this is absolutely part of my goal here. But if that were the only goal, I could’ve probably written this whole thing in a few lines about how “Take the High Road” means we should slow down, consider morality, and pick whatever it is that is the “most moral.” You would’ve read this in 45 seconds and gone on with your day. Instead, I dove into all this so that we all had a firm grasp on the importance of choice and the power of choice we all obtain before throwing a wrench in things (I said I’d be brief… dang it)
What if “Taking the high road,” isn’t taking the high road?
This whole time, we’ve been talking about what this phrase means, and how it promotes the importance of our power to choose morality… all without stopping to ask “What IS morality?” I’m not going to spend the next 20 pages diving into what I believe morality is, what others believe it is, etc. Instead, I want us to simply ask this question in the specific scenario we’re discussing… the “High Road.”
Choosing the high road means making a moral decision amongst others making immoral decisions. This requires a foundational understanding of what actually is moral, given whatever specific circumstances are at hand. These will vary depending on whatever “happens” in your life, or whatever “stimulus” occurred. But no matter the situation, the very idea of a high road vs. a low road presents a moral question in and of itself. Regardless of what it is you are labeling as moral or immoral, the very fact that you are putting these distinct labels on different paths of choice is itself a moral dilemma. Let me provide some context.
I’ve been wrestling hard lately with the idea of “Being right.” Now, I’m not going to suggest that there isn’t definitive truth in life. To suggest that “truth” varies based on the person gives way to a sea of logical and moral conflicts that present a world of problems. However, I am suggesting that the very idea of “Being right” is what I will call an idol.
I recently found myself feeling very convicted about something. You see, I’ve been harboring resentment for quite a long time toward someone close to me. “Life happened” a couple of years ago, and things were said that left me feeling hurt. And over time, I allowed my anger to grow toward this person. He had hurt me and hadn’t acknowledged or apologized for it. In the scenario, I was the victim. I was right, and he was wrong. But there’s the catch. Being right became what was important for me. Being right justified my anger toward him, and allowed me to ignore the growing separation between the two of us because it wasn’t “my fault,” it was his fault. My “High Road” was choosing not to react with the same hurtful things he said to me. I had labeled my road as “Moral” and his road as “Immoral,” and in doing so, stooped into immorality. I thought I could “play God” and craft my own idea of what morality should look like, based on “truth” and “right vs. wrong” in the situation. But remember the previous statement:
“Regardless of what it is you are labeling as moral or immoral, the very fact that you are putting these distinct labels on different paths of choice is itself a moral dilemma.”
The very fact that I chose to label myself as right – even if I was right – was prideful and wrong. That choice, to focus more on the “High Road” and less on the suffering relationship, was my downfall. My belief that I was on the high road was the exact reason that I really wasn’t on the high road. My pride and resentment were just as immoral as the original stimuli that had prompted the situation. In wrestling with this whole idea of “Being right,” I’ve come to believe the following:
You can be right all day long. But as soon as being right becomes the most important thing, you are wrong.
Maybe “Taking the High Road” is a trap. Maybe our very beliefs that we are on higher roads than others is what’s preventing us from better relationships. You know another question we never stop to ask amidst all this “High Road” talk? What’s the point of taking the high road? Why do we do it? When people hurt us, or when life comes at us fast, why do we even attempt to choose a better path? Because we value our relationships with others. Otherwise, we wouldn’t care to think twice about any of this.
So, in valuing relationships, consider this: What’s more important – being right, or being in healthy relationships? One more curveball and then I promise I’m done.
The answer is both. Truth matters. We can’t navigate anything without it. Don’t abandon what is right just to appease someone. That would set you both up for failure. But while standing on truth, don’t die alone on that hill. In your response-ability, choose to step toward someone in truth. It’s possible to do both – difficult, and uncommon, sure – but very possible.
“You can be right all day long. But as soon as being right becomes the most important thing, you are wrong.”
Humility to choose what is right, while also placing importance on relationships, is what I call the “Other Road.” It’s not called the “High Road,” because we’re not concerned with how high or low it is. Rather, we’re concerned with how truthful our road is, and how welcoming it is for us all to walk it together. The moment we call our path “High” is the moment pride slides into the driver’s seat and our relationships get tossed to the back.
In every situation, between the “happening” and the “response,” you have the ability to choose what that response will be. Will you take the high road, and be sure others know it? Or, will you choose what is right while humbly loving others? When we choose to couple truth with humility, we encounter something new. That something is called gentleness. “Taking the High Road” suggests that you’re choosing to walk a polished road alone. I’d rather walk a gentle road with a friend.
Next time you’re faced with an opportunity to take the high road, remember Robert Frost’s famous words, and consider the other road instead. It will make all the difference.